I have fallen off the proverbial wagon.
This saturday, I ate fast food. I wasn't even conscious of it! Well, that's a bit of a misnomer. I simply relapsed, unintentionally. It was almost as if I was on autopilot. Some friends and I were on our way back from the liquor store and decided to swing by Taco Bell on our way home for a quick bite before drinking ourselved unconscious. My first thought was "meh, I'm not all that hungry, I don't think I'll get anything," not "No fast food for me please!" But as soon as we pulled into the drive thru, I said "I want a crunchwrap supreme, no tomatoes" more as a natural reaction than a decision.
I didn't even realize what had happened (I broke my no fast food vow) until YESTERDAY. Instead of beating myself up over it, I've decided to take the much healtheir approach and not give a shit. BUT also look at it as a learning experience. Note to self: Beware! When approaching fast food windows, natural reactions may occur. Now that I'm aware that I have this reaction when approaching a drive up window, it'll be easier for me to make the decision to say no.
So like any recovering addict, I'll give back my newcommers pin, my 50 days sober pin, and start the program anew. Days without fast food: Three.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Creativity Bug
The inspiration that's been brewing in my soul boiled over yesterday. It was very liberating!
I've always been a fan of Altered Books - and by always, I mean ever since I saw one in Collage (a craft store) about a year and a half ago. And I've even tried to start one...Key word tried. I just didn't feel my artistic eye was up to snuff, so I became discouraged and quit.
Still being a fan of the Altered Book look, I continued to think about them and search for inspiration. Recently, I've been reconnecting with my heavy metal side, and then it hit me. Music. It was like my mused reached out and slapped me in the face. I was listening to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica (a song I've heard several times before, and this hadn't happened) and I could see the pages of the book forming before my eyes. I let the images brew for a few days before I spent HOURS yesterday sketching and looking up Altered Book internet galleries.
I plugged in my Zune and let the inspiration flow. And now I'm anticipating getting supplies and getting started!
Right now: Feeling very Zen.
I've always been a fan of Altered Books - and by always, I mean ever since I saw one in Collage (a craft store) about a year and a half ago. And I've even tried to start one...Key word tried. I just didn't feel my artistic eye was up to snuff, so I became discouraged and quit.
Still being a fan of the Altered Book look, I continued to think about them and search for inspiration. Recently, I've been reconnecting with my heavy metal side, and then it hit me. Music. It was like my mused reached out and slapped me in the face. I was listening to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica (a song I've heard several times before, and this hadn't happened) and I could see the pages of the book forming before my eyes. I let the images brew for a few days before I spent HOURS yesterday sketching and looking up Altered Book internet galleries.
I plugged in my Zune and let the inspiration flow. And now I'm anticipating getting supplies and getting started!
Right now: Feeling very Zen.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Confessions of a Weight-aholic
So the two, possibly three of you that actually read my blogisms may be sick of me bitching about weightloss and the trials and turmoils it brings me, but it's my blog and I'll wine if I want to.
Actually, I had an appiffany this morning. In the shower, where I do my best thinking, it came to me: It's unsatisfying to feel like you bust your ass all week, and then have nothing to show for it. I want that damn number on the scale to be lower to prove to myself that my efforts aren't wasted. It's hard work trying to make your life do a 180 towards health, and it would be nice to have something to show for it. Something that says "Good job, you have a result."
Is it wrong to ask for that kind of validation? I've asked myself several times why it's about the number and not about how I feel, and I can't answer myself honestly. I really don't know what it is about the number that makes me feel more confident. It's not like it looms over my head in flashing neon light for the world to see.
But I feel like people can read it on my face. They can look at me and see the screams behind my eyes yelling that I just want to be a few pounds lighter, a few inches smaller, a few muscles tighter. Because honestly, I think I have a great personality, and I'm satisfied with many aspects of my life, that I feel the only thing standing between me and true happiness is that number that pops up on the scale. That God damn glowing red number that I feel branded on my forehead as I try to live my life. And I feel this healthy leaf I'm turning is the best defense against this enemy.
No one can see that number but me. But I want the validation for my hard work. I want to have something that measures my progress. It may be the local clinical scientist in me, it may be something much darker and scary, but whatever it is, it's saying that that number is the manifestation of my hard work paying off.
I can only hope that as my lifestyle change becomes more natural, the meaning of the number will deminish.
Actually, I had an appiffany this morning. In the shower, where I do my best thinking, it came to me: It's unsatisfying to feel like you bust your ass all week, and then have nothing to show for it. I want that damn number on the scale to be lower to prove to myself that my efforts aren't wasted. It's hard work trying to make your life do a 180 towards health, and it would be nice to have something to show for it. Something that says "Good job, you have a result."
Is it wrong to ask for that kind of validation? I've asked myself several times why it's about the number and not about how I feel, and I can't answer myself honestly. I really don't know what it is about the number that makes me feel more confident. It's not like it looms over my head in flashing neon light for the world to see.
But I feel like people can read it on my face. They can look at me and see the screams behind my eyes yelling that I just want to be a few pounds lighter, a few inches smaller, a few muscles tighter. Because honestly, I think I have a great personality, and I'm satisfied with many aspects of my life, that I feel the only thing standing between me and true happiness is that number that pops up on the scale. That God damn glowing red number that I feel branded on my forehead as I try to live my life. And I feel this healthy leaf I'm turning is the best defense against this enemy.
No one can see that number but me. But I want the validation for my hard work. I want to have something that measures my progress. It may be the local clinical scientist in me, it may be something much darker and scary, but whatever it is, it's saying that that number is the manifestation of my hard work paying off.
I can only hope that as my lifestyle change becomes more natural, the meaning of the number will deminish.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Decompression
I had a second to breathe this weekend. Well, actually I had roughly 259,200 seconds to breathe this weekend, but that’s beside the point, which is: I had a chance to slow down and do nothing this weekend. My batteries finally got what feels like a full charge. I had one mandatory social engagement on Friday and that was it, everything else was optional. I got caught up on my laundry, I grocery shopped, I slept well, I hung out with Kimmie and Barb a little (very little actually), and spent some quality time with the couch and Dexter (the tv series). It was nice. Even though I spent part of Saturday and the majority of Sunday feeling like crap health-wise, Zen-wise I felt great.
Sure my immune system was down, I was coughing more than breathing, and my brain was leaking too much awesome out of my nasal cavity; but I felt calm, almost peaceful, as if I had regained my inner balance.
As I look forward to the week ahead, I’m less overwhelmed with things I should do, need to do, want to do, what have you, and am more at peace with each moment. This evening I plan to do a full load of dishes and then spend some quality time with Kimmie and Barb – watching our favorite CW drama of course – and that’s it. Pleasantly un-busy.
Sure my immune system was down, I was coughing more than breathing, and my brain was leaking too much awesome out of my nasal cavity; but I felt calm, almost peaceful, as if I had regained my inner balance.
As I look forward to the week ahead, I’m less overwhelmed with things I should do, need to do, want to do, what have you, and am more at peace with each moment. This evening I plan to do a full load of dishes and then spend some quality time with Kimmie and Barb – watching our favorite CW drama of course – and that’s it. Pleasantly un-busy.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Soup With a Fork
I feel like trying to balance my life right now is like eating soup with a fork. School is pouting as it sits in the optional third row seating in the Volvo station wagon of my life, instead of sitting up front next to me in the passenger seat. In the passenger seat is my social life - and it's acting like a sullen teenager.
I'm having difficulty prioritizing. Scratch that, I'm having difficulty with my priorities. School should be on the top of my list, right? THEN my work, then my social life, right? That's what the list looks like, so it's not the prioritizing per say, it's what's actually taking priority.
Enter: Sullen Teenager Social Life
I have serval groups of friends, some are friends with each other, others are sort of on their own. Overall though, I have a core that's usually at the top of my list for quality time. Lately, I've felt I've given them the shaft. Kind of unconsciously. It seems like all of a sudden, friends are coming out of the woodworks that need to spend time with me that aren't a part of that core and I feel obligated - usually due to the amount of time that has passed since we last saw each other - to arrange a social event. In the meantime, this core that usually trumps is now falling down the ladder and I'm not doing much to stop it.
One thing on my list of things that make me unhappy is poor social life management. I'm not managing my social life well right now - so I'm unhappy. I'm starting to feel that I'm just thinking myself to death, and not doing anything. And while I'm trapped in my head contemplating what Zen means to me, life has come at me full blast and I've - like a zombie - said Yes to one too many things. Truth: I miss spending every weekend with my core. A couple of weekends ago I thought it would be nice to give other friends some attention, but in reality, I just missed the people I wasn't with.
Current Zen Road Block: Managing the social life.
Detour: Pop in the 4-Wheel drive and bust through the barrier.
Now that the cause of my unhappiness has been determined, I can fix it. I think.
I'm having difficulty prioritizing. Scratch that, I'm having difficulty with my priorities. School should be on the top of my list, right? THEN my work, then my social life, right? That's what the list looks like, so it's not the prioritizing per say, it's what's actually taking priority.
Enter: Sullen Teenager Social Life
I have serval groups of friends, some are friends with each other, others are sort of on their own. Overall though, I have a core that's usually at the top of my list for quality time. Lately, I've felt I've given them the shaft. Kind of unconsciously. It seems like all of a sudden, friends are coming out of the woodworks that need to spend time with me that aren't a part of that core and I feel obligated - usually due to the amount of time that has passed since we last saw each other - to arrange a social event. In the meantime, this core that usually trumps is now falling down the ladder and I'm not doing much to stop it.
One thing on my list of things that make me unhappy is poor social life management. I'm not managing my social life well right now - so I'm unhappy. I'm starting to feel that I'm just thinking myself to death, and not doing anything. And while I'm trapped in my head contemplating what Zen means to me, life has come at me full blast and I've - like a zombie - said Yes to one too many things. Truth: I miss spending every weekend with my core. A couple of weekends ago I thought it would be nice to give other friends some attention, but in reality, I just missed the people I wasn't with.
Current Zen Road Block: Managing the social life.
Detour: Pop in the 4-Wheel drive and bust through the barrier.
Now that the cause of my unhappiness has been determined, I can fix it. I think.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A Response...To Myself
That last post got me thinking...
I feel a need a daily reminder. You would think the tattoo would be enough. I mean come on, I paid a guy a buck twenty to scar my body for life with a personal holy trinity. You would think that that would keep me on track. But I find myself forgetting what it is I’m really after. I get distracted with random rest stops on the side of the road. Not even good attractions or scenic areas, but rest stops. A honey bucket and an old bulletin board about tree life in the Pacific Northwest is what I find I think about more than heading to Serenity Lake.
I thought this blog would serve as a pretty good reminder, but it turns out I kind of forget about it more than I think about it. I need a visual. A huge sign that says “Go Directly to Zen, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.” Hm, I sense an art project in the making. Perhaps a collage of things that bring me happiness, inspirational quotes, a huge picture of the Dahli Llama giving me a thumbs up…This problem may have just figured itself out.
I feel a need a daily reminder. You would think the tattoo would be enough. I mean come on, I paid a guy a buck twenty to scar my body for life with a personal holy trinity. You would think that that would keep me on track. But I find myself forgetting what it is I’m really after. I get distracted with random rest stops on the side of the road. Not even good attractions or scenic areas, but rest stops. A honey bucket and an old bulletin board about tree life in the Pacific Northwest is what I find I think about more than heading to Serenity Lake.
I thought this blog would serve as a pretty good reminder, but it turns out I kind of forget about it more than I think about it. I need a visual. A huge sign that says “Go Directly to Zen, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.” Hm, I sense an art project in the making. Perhaps a collage of things that bring me happiness, inspirational quotes, a huge picture of the Dahli Llama giving me a thumbs up…This problem may have just figured itself out.
The List
(Okay, so acutally I had this musing a week or so ago, and just found it again. I think it's necessary to post)
How will I know when I find Zen? This question has been plaguing me for the past four weeks. I have no answer, no idea where to find the answer (lie: I’m pretty sure I can find the answer within myself, I just don’t know how, or which closet of my soul to look in). I can’t exactly type this one in to ask.com.
So I find myself frustrated. I want Zen and I want it now. (And I kind of want it covered in chocolate)
This expedition so far has tuned in my philosophical side. Finally! My minor is put to good use. But am I philosophizing about pertinent things? I feel I embarked on this journey to ultimately better myself in some way. Not to just lose weight and be happy, but to focus on what it is that makes me happy and not allow things that make me unhappy control my life.
Enter: THE LIST
Things that make me happy
Being confident in my body
Cooking for myself successfully
Spending quality time with friends and family
Getting good feedback from work
Feeling like I’m learning in school
Chocolate chip cookies
Puppies and Kittens
Things that make me unhappy
Feeling fat
Making poor food choices (well, it usually makes me happy at the time, but then I feel unhappy afterwards)
Not balancing time between people well
Douche bags
Seems simple enough. Note to self: avoid feeling fat, poor food choices, poor social life management and douche bags. Done. And apparently I feel this will bring me Zen. It’s a possibility. Frankly, everything’s possible (or is it anything’s possible?) on the road to Zen. But am I going to feel like a better person if I’m confident, a chef, a good friend/daughter/sister, an academic and cookie monster? Maybe. I guess we’ll have to see.
How will I know when I find Zen? This question has been plaguing me for the past four weeks. I have no answer, no idea where to find the answer (lie: I’m pretty sure I can find the answer within myself, I just don’t know how, or which closet of my soul to look in). I can’t exactly type this one in to ask.com.
So I find myself frustrated. I want Zen and I want it now. (And I kind of want it covered in chocolate)
This expedition so far has tuned in my philosophical side. Finally! My minor is put to good use. But am I philosophizing about pertinent things? I feel I embarked on this journey to ultimately better myself in some way. Not to just lose weight and be happy, but to focus on what it is that makes me happy and not allow things that make me unhappy control my life.
Enter: THE LIST
Things that make me happy
Being confident in my body
Cooking for myself successfully
Spending quality time with friends and family
Getting good feedback from work
Feeling like I’m learning in school
Chocolate chip cookies
Puppies and Kittens
Things that make me unhappy
Feeling fat
Making poor food choices (well, it usually makes me happy at the time, but then I feel unhappy afterwards)
Not balancing time between people well
Douche bags
Seems simple enough. Note to self: avoid feeling fat, poor food choices, poor social life management and douche bags. Done. And apparently I feel this will bring me Zen. It’s a possibility. Frankly, everything’s possible (or is it anything’s possible?) on the road to Zen. But am I going to feel like a better person if I’m confident, a chef, a good friend/daughter/sister, an academic and cookie monster? Maybe. I guess we’ll have to see.
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