Slump

I've been feeling kind of un-Zen lately. And by lately I mean since about Friday afternoon, around 2. I don't really know why, I mean, my weekend was awesome and jam-packed with excitement, but for some reason things felt off. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the total disregard for my healthier food choices, maybe it was the fact that my left arm was in Memphis having the time of her life.

Whatever the reason, things felt strange all weekend. I felt spastic but tired, busy but bored, non-contemplative, unfocused, and kind of blah. Since I've started this Road to Zen I've done a lot of self-reflection and self-contemplation, looking for my inner peace and balance, aiming for calm and serenity over overwhelmed and depressed. But my mind would slip, and focus on things I don't want to care about anymore. I don't want to care that I don't have a boyfriend. I don't want to care that potato skins covered in cheese and sour cream taste better than a glass of water and pita chips. I don't want to care that I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate.

That's really been bothering me. I've tried to maintain a fairly spontaneous and flexible lifestyle, while holding on to my driven nature, but I feel a conflict emerging. Spontaneity is not a fan of my Life Goal To Do list. And my Life Goal To Do list thinks spontaneity is a crack whore. This inner battle, inner struggle, down right war between the two, is throwing off my Zen. And when my Zen is out of whack, I find myself thinking about those other things I don't want to think about. I want to be happy being single. I want to make the healthy choice naturally. I want to tell my friends when they hurt my feelings or are being passive aggressive. I don't want to think that being single is a bad thing. I don't want to choose french fries over cottage cheese. I don't want to talk shit because my feelings are hurt.

This sucks. Zen is tough. It's tough to find, tough to keep, tough to live...I need a Zen maintenance man to come fix my broken peace and realign my balance.