A Nagging Frustration

This is hard. This is really hard. I’ve sort of figured out what Zen means to me – My Zen if you will – but it’s hard to keep it in mind at all times. I feel particularly Zen when I do yoga in the morning, and then sit and sip my coffee and contemplate happy things. I don’t feel particularly Zen when I step on the scale and it reads the same number as last week.

This wasn’t supposed to be about losing weight – but it so is. I don’t want it to be about the number, I want it to be about how I feel. I also want to find a million dollars in my couch cushions. Should I just accept that it’s about the number? That this magical arbitrary numeric value will determine my happiness? That’s what frustrates me. I don’t want a number to control my happiness. I need to reconstruct this concept. But…how?

I guess part of why I think about this is that this whole resolution started because I wanted to not be fat anymore. I wanted to be able to control my urges to drive through Muchos (mmm Muchos…) and learn to cook healthy, tasty meals. I have sort of learned that – turns out I can actually read and follow a recipe without burning down my kitchen. But what I haven’t learned is what it takes to lose weight, keep it off, and maintain/make healthy choices. I feel like people who have found their Zen are happy with all aspects of their life. Well, I’m not happy with my weight, or my food choices 100% of the time. Today for lunch I’m having a turkey sandwich and apple sauce, when I actually want to be having Yang’s and a diet Dr. Pepper. I went for the healthier choice, not so much because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to. Because I felt like if I broke my resolution I would have wasted the last four or five weeks. And since I had been feeling rather UnZen lately, I figured maintaining some sort of consistency (eating a healthy lunch) would get me refocused. It sort of has, but mostly I’m thinking about Teriyaki chicken right now. I do believe this shall pass however. And once again, I’ll be full speed ahead on the road to Zen.