Emptying my head.

I am masquarading as a responsible adult. I am very uncertain of my future, and very uneasy about it. I am totally rocking out to Moztart right now. I am excited to go to China! I am scared that I will run out of money, get frustrated by the language barrier, or be quarenteened for having the swine flu. I am frustrated by the non-actions of someone, and frustrated that I give a shit about it. I am flattered by the actions of someone else, and nervous about what may come of it. I am wondering if the man in my dreams is turning out to not be the man of my dreams and the man I never dreamed about is actually the man I've always dreamed of. I am chosing to not over-think it, take it all at face value, and move on day by day. I am in dire need of a nap. I am wanting to rid my life of toxic people. I am doing nothing towards this hazardous waste depositing. I am worried that my cat is dying. I am procrastinating doing my homework because I don't want to do it. I am ready for school to be over...about four weeks ago.

Classic Rewind

Classical music makes my soul dance.

I haven't taken the time to sit back and enjoy the complexities, and intricate simplicities of a classical piece since my sister and I saw the Nutcracker during the 2007 Christmas season.

We got a new PA system in my office the other day. The receptionists have chosen classical music to play over the speakers. I am overjoyed! It's as if they knew my mind needed to quiet down, and knew the remedy.

I just wish I paid more attention to the composers during fifth grade music class, then I could at least name the people that move me.

Oh Zen...

Things I find Zen-ful:
My thursday night yoga class
Walking to work in the morning
Visualizing myself on a beach
Getting lost in an art project

Things I don't find Zen-ful:
Looking around my dirty apartment - getting overwhelmed
Sitting at work with nothing to do
Arguing with my family
Feeling overbooked

Every now and then I forget my resolution. I forget that I'm trying to simplify my life and maintain a Zen mindset. I get lost in the hussle and bussle of summer events, forgetting to take two seconds to just breathe and reset. This is why I love my thursday night yoga class. It forces me to be in the moment for an hour, as opposed to furture thinking or ruminating about past conversations.

I believe I have too much on my plate right now, it's hard to keep it steady. A couple of weeks ago, we made a roles and contexts map for a class project. We were asked to identify our different roles, and what contexts they fall under. Then we had to map out connections, strains, and provide adjectives or descriptors to define how we fill that role, or what that role brings out in us. On my map, the only strain I noticed was my determination to be independent yet desire for intimacy. Seemed simple enough at the time.

Over that last week or so, I've noticed that I completely underestimated my roles. Or more accurately, I completely underestimated what these roles demand of me. I'm not just a sister, I'm a maid of honor. I'm not just a student, I'm a graduate student in the home stretch. I'm not just an intern, I'm an applicant for a full-time job. I'm not just a friend, I'm a future roommate with 6 weeks to get ready to move. I'm not just a volunteer for 4H, I'm an adult staff member, committee member, and training director.

Suddenly, my simple "To Do List" has become a "Shit that needs to get done in order to keep my job, raise my grades, keep my boss happy, assist my sister, and organize my personal life List." It would be nice if a week was 9 days long.